un: smallvilleguy | text | CALL network

[american_alien]

So I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I worked really hard to get to where I am and what I'm doing but...

After talking to people, talking to lots of people from all over, I'm not so sure anymore. I think I might have been thinking too small, but it feels weird to think of it like that. Like I'm limited MYSELF, if that makes any sense. I mean, it's not like we have a lot of money and I worked really hard to get the scholarships to get here in the first place.

But I'm not sure if I'm just letting this trip run away with me or if I'm finally seeing more clearly now that I've actually gone out and seen just how big the world is.

Thoughts?

Comments

private

[american_alien]

Cool. I'm Clark. Nice to meet you, Caroline.

And by weird, I mean...

I can do a bunch of stuff that most people can't do.

Like fly.

Re: private

[insistent]

That doesn't sound like a bad thing.

[alkhimia2i]

I understand.

Like I said, it's an admirable goal. If helping those people is what you believe in, then I think you already know what your decision should be.

My only advice is to take care. Know your limits. Being in a position to help others means knowing how much you can truly offer. If you need to step back, you should do it; before the situation forces you to.

[american_alien]

Yeah, I learned that one first hand, unfortunately.

I guess that's really the question, in a way. SHOULD I play it safe and maybe not feel like I'm living up to my potential but still

Safe

Or should I try and do everything I can and it might blow up in my face. Literally.




Ugh why are things hard?

Re: private

[american_alien]

It's not a bad thing. But it makes me feel

I dunno

Responsible?

But that's

That makes it sound like something I don't want to do. When it's more like I look out at the world and think 'this stuff needs doing and I'm angry that it isn't getting done but maybe I can do it and it'll be better for everyone but what if I screw up?'

Re: private

[insistent]

Then you take a step back and try again. Everyone makes mistakes and screws up sometimes. It's part of life, and I've done more than my share.

And really, doing what you can is never a bad thing if it's meant to help people.

private

[american_alien]

It totally can be. I actually have pretty concrete proof of that from a few years back.

Flying doesn't sound too bad but I can also punch straight through a tractor. Like all the way. Not a scratch on me and that thing is totalled.

And that means that if I screw up really bad, someone could die.

There's no fixing that.

Re: private

[insistent]

Yeah, that's always a risk, honestly. But if you do nothing, they might die anyway. At least knowing you tried, that someone tried, is something more than knowing there's no chance, right?

And no, there's no fixing it but you might do things differently the next time.

[american_alien]

That's actually why I'm asking this question.

The last time, I just dove in. And no one got hurt because of it, but it still wasn't spectacular.

[insistent]

Nobody getting hurt is the important part though right? I mean, doing anything well takes practice. Nobody's perfect right out of the gate.

[american_alien]

Correction: I got shot in the face with a shotgun and my mother was livid. The sheriff was Disappointed in me, which is awful too.

Also I accidentally burned a man's arms off. He was a murderer, but he's still someone.

But no one DIED.

Like I said: not great.

[insistent]

Mothers tend to be like that.

...How did you accidentally burn someone's arms off?

[american_alien]

He shot me in the face with a shotgun.

I got angry enough that I discovered something new I could do.

...which involves

Fire

Or really just heat.

And I was staring right at him at the time.

And then there were no arms. Which is me putting it super simply because I cannot even tell you how horrified I was, am, and continue to be.

[insistent]

...So you don't have control of it. You didn't do it intentionally and you're not going to do it again so the best way to ensure that is learning to use it properly, isn't it?

[american_alien]

I didn't have control of it. I do now. Not that I didn't almost burn down the barn a few times.

But that doesn't give that man back his arms.

[insistent]

No it doesn't.

But it also means you won't make the same mistake again. It's not balanced by any means, but you can't let your mistakes keep you from continuing to try.

[alkhimia2i]

All of the important choices are, unfortunately. They're also ones that you have to make yourself. I can't give you the right answer. No one can.

All I can say is to trust your heart. It knows what's best for you.

[american_alien]

But I could just be a veterinarian.

No loss of limbs. No danger of hurting anyone. I can use my brain and help plenty of helpless creatures.

But lots of people can be veterinarians. And there are dangerous things to do in the world that I could do without fear.

[american_alien]

I want to help. I want to help the MOST I can help. Because the world doesn't change for 50% effort and there's a lot of ways the world SHOULD change.

I just need to learn how to do it without making it worse. And I don't even know where to start.

[insistent]

You could, and you could save lots of animals, but can you really live with the fact you have the ability to help people and do nothing? I meam. you may not succeed every time, but the time you do succeed, who knows how many lives you'll be able to save?

Yes, you may hurt people or not be able to save everyone. That's a given and something every hero faces. Do you think cops and firefighters don't deal with the same question, but they still go on and do their jobs and do what they can within their own limitations.

[alkhimia2i]

[There's a long delay in her response this time, if only because she's struggling with how she wants to respond.]

Well, you can start by not working alone. Having someone to watch you back is important when learning the ropes. If you make a mistake, they can catch it.

From there... Decision-making. Instincts. Courage. There are many aspects to being a hero. Not all of them are learned, but practice helps.

[american_alien]

I don't know about anyone like me. Anyone who can do what I do. There's maybe a few people in the SFC but that's about it.

No one I've managed to find back home, anyway.

Though I didn't say I wanted to be a hero or anything. I just want to help.

[alkhimia2i]

Sorry. I assumed that someone committed to helping others at their own risk would be considered a hero.

There aren't many people like me, either. That doesn't matter much. I'm used to working with all kinds. If you need someone to watch your back, I can be here.

[american_alien]

Hero, huh?

I don't know if I'm cut out to be a hero.

And I don't know. Now, I don't think so.

[insistent]

And you know the best heroes are the ones who aren't trying to be a hero. They're just doing whatever they can.

You'll never know unless you try, right?